DUNCAN BLITZ AND THE TRUE MEANING OF LIFE

"What is the meaning of life?" asked Duncan Blitz.
"You should try to make the world a better place," said his guru, coffee mug in hand.  "Would you like another piece of pie?"
"No thanks Mom," said Duncan. "I don't have room."

Duncan contemplated his mother's strong gaze, crazy hair, Western boots, New York jeans.  "I gotta get going," he said.
"I'll walk you," said mom, stopping in the mud room for her coat.   She looked at the sky and gave Duncan a hug.  "I love you."  "I love you too."
When his did wood-splitting, hay tossing, culvert clearing, truck driving mommie become small?  Duncan Blitz watched her grab a few sticks of firewood and hop inside before he reached the paved road.

BRUNCH WITH MOM:

french toast with real butter and maple syrup
OJ, from da juicer
2 eggs sunnyside up, with salsa and black beans, sliced avocado, corn tortillas
why-a-duck sausage

grapefruit and kumquat slices
cafe au lait

apple pie
chocolate chip cookies for the road.

why a link: duck sausage recipe

YOU LOOK GREAT!

Beverly Barkowitz roared into town, back from the dead.
"Holy shit!" thought Duncan Blitz.  He said, "hey Bev, you look great," and hugged his old mentor because he could, and she did.  Then he just stood there.
What to say?  nice wheels.  is that a new tattoo?  how long are you in town.  gee it's good to seeya.  you're not dead and you don't look like you're dying.  you look great!
"You look so healthy!"
"Thanks Dunc,  I feel good."  I feel great.  It's great to be here.  as in Here.  as in here.
"Want to go for a drink?"   It was Friday; Peeps could be at the bar.  Except nobody actually went to the office anymore, so nobody went for a drink anymore, on Friday.
"But we will," thought Duncan.

THE "TGI LUPE'S" PRE-THEATER SPECIAL:
STARTERS:  2 margaritas:  one double. frozen. salt.  one on the rocks, salt.
ENTREE:  blue corn tortilla chips.  "Got any olives, or those mixed pickled things?" 
SIDES:  tequila shooters, generic, salt and lime
DESSERT:  Want to order dinner?  

crispy tasty juicy dinner: 3000 calories
walking till sober:  priceless





                           

DUNCAN BLITZ WANTS TO EAT A FAT BABY

"MOM!"
Duncan Blitz woke up calling her.  Not because he needed his mommy, but because he needed to let her know that the loud blast that woke him hadn't harmed him.  He was okay.

I should go somewhere quiet, thought Duncan, with no trash trucks, no night explosions, no death penalty.  Living life in peace.

I found an ayurvedic divorce counsellor, Duncan's ex told him by FB msg, and would like to meet with you...    I should go somewhere quiet with no Facebook, thought Duncan.

Duncan Blitz put on a clean pair of jeans and drove to the new part of town that had Tasting Menus, Small Plates and Artisanal Draft Beers from Local Craft Brewers.

He walked up Central Ave, slowing to notice a guy with a tiny infant in his snuggli.  "A tapas baby," thought Duncan.   He found a place that looked upscale and ordered a Fat Bastard.

I hope someday you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

THE HUNGRY TIGER DIET:

breakfast:
wood oven roasted quail eggs
baby fingerling potatoes
ultra baby bok choy
young's double chocolate stout

lunch:
assortment of pickled young garden vegetables and cider-marinated tiny watermelon sprouts
young riesling

snack:
candied baby figs
young Blancs de Blancs

dinner:
fat baby veal chop (tastes like kitten!)
baby carrots with rosemary cherry pepper sauce
chocolate pudding sprinkled with young thai coconut shavings
beaujolais nouveau.  in a sippy cup

LINK TO THE COWARDLY LION AND THE HUNGRY TIGER (READ IT!):
"I don't believe fat babies taste like gumdrops. I'm quite sure they have the flavor of raspberry tarts. My, how hungry I am for fat babies!"

DUNCAN BLITZ IS ON THE DIET OF DIVINE INTERVENTION

Duncan Blitz looked into his heart and saw a tangle of noodles and spun candy.

"God," he said (to God), "Help me out!" and set about sorting and simplifying until it was orderly.

"I'm 40," said Duncan (to Nobody), "Eric is 14, and Wiley is 13 times 7, in dog years."  Nothing lasts forever, he decided, except the sky.

Sorting and simplifying proved daunting to Duncan, who decided to tackle his task after lunch.

SIMPLE MAN'S LUNCH:
sliced grilled breast of gingered duck
rice and black beans flavored with garden thai basil, texas thyme and mouth-popping grape tomatoes
hand made corn tortillas
salsa of fresh peach,  green tomato and slivered onion

chilled watermelon

SNACK:
apple pie w ice cream

BEVERAGE:
cafe con leche?
club soda?
red wine?
tecate?

"please, Duncan," said God: "decide."

duncan blitz: the kit kat ambush

Duncan Blitz heard its call.
Le Chocolatier European Biscuits, calling his name, from the freezer.
Duncan heard it again while he made cafe con leche.
He toasted two pieces of black bread and ate them buttered with marmalade.
The chocolate cookies called to him again, after
lunch:
toasted bagel with cream cheese and lox (with capers and onions)
romaine salad
pickled cream herring
gefilte fish with horse radish
the other half of the bagel

Duncan read the Sunday paper.  He ate a vanilla yogurt. and he ate the blueberry yogurt that he didn't want, but wanted to pitch from the fridge, but not in the trash.

Duncan Blitz grilled a lovely branzino with lemon and taragon, which he enjoyed with a can of Tecate (and a squeeze of lime)
dinner:
Fish and Beer

The stomach of Duncan Blitz is too full to hear the call of the European Chocolate Biscuit.
He will watch a movie.  And eat the whole box.

Le Chocolatier Cookies
Serving Size:   15 cookies, Calories: 750, Fat: 45g, Carbs: 85g, Protein: 5g

DUNCAN BLITZ: ARE SWEETBREADS A VEGETABLE?

Duncan Blitz could not eat skate. After he and his son patted a manta ray at SeaWorld, there was no way Duncan would eat a gentle friendly creature from that family. It would be like harpooning an angel fish, or poaching a panda. It was getting harder to eat rabbit, and impossible to eat bison. The one so meek and the other so wonderful and strange. Chilean sea bass were overfished and, like Chilean blueberries, left a big air freight footprint. Cows were too dumb to exclude for their intelligence or charm, but most cattle were loaded with hormones, pesticide and poop.

What about lamb chops, grapefruit, coffee, sweetbreads?

Once a hearty omnivore, Duncan Blitz feared he might not find anything okay to eat except a drop of water under a leaf. What to do?

Eat anything you want, Dad, said Eric, and have a good time.

DUNCAN IS EATING ANYTHING HE WANTS:

BREAKFAST:
cafe au lait (Kenya. the milk is certified organic)
fresh pumpernickle bread with sweet butter and real honey

SNACK:
shrimp shumai
beer-singh

LUNCH:
1/2 lb assorted Belgium chocolates

SNACK:
the other half

DINNER:
BURGER AND BEER

CALORIES:
5,023

HAPPY?
YES

LINK TO: THE WORLD'S CUTEST ANIMALS

FOREVER FERMENT

Bev Barkowitz is heading for adventure. She jumps from the shower, a soldier drying off, pulls on her tank top and jeans, and savors the morning on her balcony, sipping espresso with warm milk. Beverly Barkowitz knows she's not a soldier, she's a tourist, getting ready.

checklist: flashlight, eyedrops.

BREAKFAST:
CAFE AU LAIT CHAUD
TOAST WITH BUTTER
SLICED CHILLED ATHENA MELON

checklist: cowboy boots, sleeping bag, camera. flashlight.

Beverly thinks about test driving her riding gear. neh. thinks about trimming her hair, naw. Hasn't packed.

LUNCH:
FRESH MANGO ICE CREAM
BELGIAN FRITES WITH MAYONNAISE TRIO
TUNA TARTARE

Bev is ready, but scared. she stares at dark circles under her eyes.
checklist: ativan, cipro, benadryl, immodium

DINNER:
GINGER MARGARITA
CHILLED PEACH SOUP
2LB BAG OF HAWAIIAN POTATO CHIPS
FRESH BLUEBERRIES

Once I'm on the plane, I'll just relax.

SNACK:
GODIVA 16-PIECE DARK CHOCOLATE GIFT BOX, ALL

When I'm there, I'll ride and ride. and forget about my death panel. And eat meat.

DAVEKO BLITZ'S WINE AND FOOD QUIZ

Test your wine and food knowledge by taking this fun and easy quiz. Ready? Let's get going!

1. The term "sur lie" refers to:

a. Someone who is rude and sullen.
b. An obviously false statement
c. The process in which wine is aged along with the dead yeast cells left over after fermentation
d. All of the above

2. Tastevin is:

a. A male sex hormone
b. A coach-like motor vehicle seating 10-12 people
c. A small metal cup used by a sommelier to sample wine
d. How the hell should I know?

3. Hake is:
a. A short handled trowel used for digging up turnips
b. An Asian root vegetable
c. A word once used by Cole Porter to make a clever interior rhyme with "clambake"
d. A salt water fish related to the cod

BONUS QUESTION:

4. Pissaladiere is:
a. A coin-operated single-user public urinal
b. A bowed zither used in Franco-Flemish court music of the 15th century
c. A grilled french-style pizza
d. None of the above


courtesy Dave Koblitz

DON'T CROSS THAT FORK!

Duncan Blitz reached across the table and separated my silverware. The knife safely parallel with the fork, bad luck averted.  Not a speck of spaghetti a la carbonara remaining on our plates, we drank another glass of good cheap Shiraz. 

If everyone clinks glasses across the table for a toast, don't cross with anyone.  Keep from being jinxed by knocking wood.  It's bad luck to sleep with your feet facing the door, and worse to stitch clothing while it's being worn by someone. If you spill salt, toss some over your left shoulder.

Duncan sprinkled salt and ground pepper on romaine hearts dressed in Sicilian extra virgin olive oil, fresh squeezed lime.

If you need work, drink from a mug with your client's logo, if you want to go to NY, use the I (HEART) NY mug.

We took espresso on the porch and watched the horses pace the corral.   The breeze was light, but high cirrus clouds were swept by winds aloft.

If you have a nightmare and tell it to someone, it won't come true.
It's good luck to work on your birthday.
It's bad luck (for some people) to be on television. It's good luck for others.
If you sneeze, be sure somebody says, "God bless you."
When you see a funeral procession, spit.
You see lots of ants before an earthquake.
A horseshoe is good luck. Duncan had one on his wall, right-way up.  If it's upside down, the luck will spill out.

Duncan Blitz poured  2 glasses of Sambuca and put 1 coffee bean in his glass and 3 in the bottom of mine (it has to be an odd number.)
When you give someone clothing, tell them to wear it in good health.
Campai, said Duncan
L'abriut! I toasted. 

Duncan offered me a biscotti but I didn't take the last one, because whoever eats the last one will be an old maid.

I told Duncan, "I guess I don't have to observe my superstitions any more."
Why is that?
Because I kept my fingers, but not forks and knives, crossed, and I got messed up anyway.  So what's the point.

"You survived," Duncan remarked.
So that's the point?
 
On my airplane home, I timed the take-off roll from when the jet accelerates to when it gets off the ground.  I like when it's 27 or 28, but not too crazy about 29.  all the 30s are okay.

jonesing for new mexico

Duncan Blitz slipped a sliver of lime into the tiny compost canister on his small kitchen shelf of his sublet apartment in the federal district of columbia.   The miniature compost would feed the cherry tomatoes and baby strawberries on his little balcony. Like hauling barrows of manure in New Mexico, but enclosed.

The container was half-filled with espresso grounds layered with orange peel, ginger slices, radish greens and artichoke leaves.  Like a canyon, but not.

A scrap of fish was in there, like Squanto, but without squanto.

Duncan brought his Tecate out to the balcony and breathed the evening air.  Like his porch in New Mexico, without the view. and no dog at his feet.  At street level were daschunds and English bulldogs, on leash.

He noticed a white flower on the strawberry plant.  If I put strawberry trimmings in the compost, would it be cannibalism, he wondered.

DUNCAN BLITZ FINDS HIS "CENTER"

"Step forward on your left foot," said Duncan's tai chi instructor, "turn so your navel is facing your toe, and lower your upper body."

Duncan became alarmed: his belly button was not where it should be. At home, he pressed his finger to the center of his belly and decided the button must have shifted when his appendix was taken out. He tried lying on his back to see what lined up, but his old dog Wylie got up from his spot near the door to lick his face.

At the tv station, Duncan found Satellite Sally unplugging her truck from shore power.

"My belly button's off," said Duncan. "It fell off?" "No, it's off center." "Well, ignore it, your meridian is lined up underneath, Sally advised.

"I don't know, I think I have to find a new center. My solar plexus maybe. Do you know where the solar plexus actually is?" "I think it's just below your ribs," said Sally. "Are they lined up?"

"Yeah, I guess. I just feel out of whack."

"Is that your pager?"

"Yeah, Beverly's probably sending me to whack out a few stories and a live shot."

"Okay babe, stay in the center of your lane."

"Thanks Sal," said Duncan, resigned to his disalignment.

DUNCAN IS ON THE NAVEL ALIGNMENT DIET:

Breakfast: navel orange, sliced
2 cups cafe au lait

Lunch: gruyere and goat cheese omelet with sauteed button mushrooms

Snack: mojo mojito

Dinner: center cut pork chops with grilled serrano peppers, tomatoes vinaigrette

Dessert: molten chocolate cake with warm center

LAO TSU: “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”

WHERE'S MY CENTER? (cancer is SO FUNNY!) 

CELERY

Duncan Blitz was getting fat. His jeans were tight, his gut was not. He wanted to lose weight. Duncan rinsed a piece of celery and ate it. He rinsed another piece, a baby stalk from the middle of the clump, and ate it. He made an espresso. While it waited in the pot, he ate a piece of celery. Duncan shook the milk carton, poured the frothy milk over a cup of black gold, nuked the espresso-au-lait for 9 seconds, and then another 6 seconds. no! 7 seconds, and took the brew to the porch. Pink porch, the trim painted by the ex-, who was "wiry" and never dieted to stay that way.

The air felt good, the day was nice, snow on the ground, winds aloft.

Duncan went back in the house, his big dog Wylie stayed out.

This diet thing wasn't going to work.

THE TIGHT JEANS DIET:

BREAKFAST:
coffee with hot milk, toast with butter and mesquite honey

SNACK:
celery sticks, all of them
coffee with warm milk

LUNCH:
steamed artichoke with melted butter and lime
angel hair pasta with fresh tomato sauce
string beans sauteed in garlicked olive oil
chess man dark chocolate cookies. 3, then another 3, till box is empty

SNACK:
tecate with lime

DINNER:
green chile cheeseburger with fries
garden salad
pickles
mug root beer

SNACK:
cheesecake

O'BRIEN

It streaked silent across the sky and disappeared. "Three," thought Duncan Blitz. Shooting stars. You're supposed to wish on them, but Duncan liked to take his time, and assign a wish later. "You too, Wylie?" he asked. The big dog leaned closer.
Duncan looked for the Big Dipper. Found it, and Orion, the hunter. When they first moved to New Mexico, he had pointed out the constellation with its sword and belt to Eric, who as a toddler remembered it as "O'Brien's Pants."


O'Brien was supposed to stand with his dogs Canis Major and Canis Minor, but neither Duncan nor his canine knew really where.


Duncan Blitz went inside and wished to celebrate Eric's 50th birthday together.


COSMIC FOOD: ANY FOOD OTHER THAN BROCCOLI (urban dictionary)

DUNCAN'S THREE-STAR DIET:

BREAKFAST:

FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE
CAFE AU LAIT
FLAKY CROISSANT WITH SWEET CREAM BUTTER AND BLACKBERRY JAM

LUNCH:
SALAD NICOISE

SNACK:
BELGIAN DARK CHOCOLATE WITH CRYSTALLIZED GINGER
SPRING WATER

DINNER:
STEAMED ARTICHOKE WITH LEMONE BUTTER MAYONNAISE
WILD GAME FOIE GRAS TERRINE
ROASTED RACK OF PORK, SOUPY BLACK BEANS, HERBED WILD RICE
CARMELIZED CAULIFLOWER
BEAUJOLAIS

DESSERT:
DOUBLE DARK CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
MOET ET CHANDON

Duncan Blitz is on the EAT EXERCISE EXFOLIATE ANTIOXIDATE CHOCOLATE diet

Why a toaster oven? Duncan Blitz split three hunks of cornbread, buttered them, and slid them in the toaster oven. DING! browned and melted, one for him, two for Eric, who was just waking up. Hot coffee, strawberry kiwi yoplait, and toast with gruyere slices and marmalade. Did you invent this, Dad? I don't know, said Dunc. I like it for breakfast, but I bet English people eat the same thing, but with cold toast. Eric: Why do English people eat bad food? Duncan: Because they come from an island where not much grows, and they're Puritans?

Hey, do you want to go out to lunch, or should I pack you something for the bus?

Let's stay here, said Eric.

Duncan made two tuna sandwiches on white, with lettuce, no onion unless Eric would chop it. Milano double chocolate cookies, gummy worms, Utz pretzel sticks, snack pack tropical fruit, mandarin slices. a bottle of ginger beer.

Two great days together. Duncan tried to remember, there was something he meant to tell his son. Witch hazel wipes: "By the way, I don't have hemorrhoids. in case you were wondering. sorry if it's TMI." "That's ok dad. they're not just for hemorrhoids."

and thanks, Duncan said, but not out loud, for showing me your tatoo.

DINNER AT BUSBOYS AND POETS:
catfish dinner, collard greens, sam adams seasonal brew
pizza: fresh tomato, mozarella and basil, garden salad

ORDER-IN DINNER, THE INDIAN PLACE THAT LEFT A FLIER UNDER THE DOOR:
chicken tikka
lamb biryani
samosas
nan
drinks from the fridge

calories: 2025
hanging out together: priceless

THE GORDO DIET. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?

I was agitated; the Atavan hadn’t kicked in. I prayed my family would forgive my stupidities. I missed the sky. I slept too deep and decided to drive down to the Baja to see Duncan Blitz.

I picked up a 1-week Mexican insurance floater, packed the cooler and an extra pair of jeans, and drove. In Tijuana I filled the cooler with Tecate, Corona and Negra Modelo, bought a couple of tiny tacos de carne asade from a street vendor, noticed the Prius was neither stolen nor smashed, got in and drove. In Rosarito I stopped for camarones a la plancha and a cold beer. I skipped Ensenada, and took the highway through Maneadero, past the spot where I hit the dog. That was thirty years ago and I still feel bad about that dog, but terrible about Hal, who I won’t see again till the afterlife, if.

After the turnoff to Punta Banda I stopped at a roadside stand for 2 jars of olives, a dozen tamales of pork with red chile (an olive buried inside) and a half dozen sweet tamales of corn (cinnamon and a raisin inside). Behind the table the heavyset girl with the glasses and the business smarts had given way to a new heavyset girl with glasses. Probably her granddaughter.

I cranked up a Norteno station on the AM radio, and popped open a cold one for the 20-minute drive to the cove. Punta Banda was still undeveloped, so it was easy to spot the VW next to Duncan’s cabin.

“Hey!” from the opening door. “I was just listening to the game; it’s seventh inning siesta,” he said. I brought in the cooler, and my spare jeans. The cabin was tidy and neat.

The Dodgers lost, improbably, to the Nationals, who won with a sac fly to right in the bottom of the ninth. We decided to check out “La Bufadora,” the blowhole that snorts a tower spray of water from between the rocks. I bought a chocolate con churros but resisted ashtrays, tshirts, painted guitars, ceramic Porky Pigs and Wall-Es at the souvenir stand, and thought about getting my stubby hair braided.

I was still thinking about hair braiding when we decided to walk back from La Buf, to Gordo’s. We sat on the patio, sipping margaritas, and watched the sparkling sea. “Toss a bit of me in the bay, when I’m hay, will you, Dunc?” “Sure,” said Duncan Blitz, looking out at the clear blue swell.

Dinner at Gordo's:

margaritas, frozen, salted rim
guacamole with fresh salsa
dos coronas, with lime
fish tacos, rice, beans, salad
otra cerveza, por favor

dessert: tequila, with salt and lemon

DUNCAN BLITZ IN MEXICO

His line plopped in the sea, and Duncan Blitz reeled it in. Nothing. Another toss, whirr-zizzz, he reeled it through the sparkly blue-gray chop. Nada. Tres Equis in the can, XXX, you don’t see it in the US much. Phhht! Duncan tugged on the Mexican light beer, still cold. He checked the tiny hook, good for small-mouthed fish, cast across the little cove, and reeled. Duncan Blitz was having a very good day.

At home he woke feeling some degree of lousy. But here in the Baja, Duncan felt fine. He could pull up his drawstrings and stand on the patio, to sip a coffee, practice tai chi, or squint at the bay, waiting for a whale to surface, or not.

No Signal, said his cellphone. 4:35PM said his watch. Peace said his brain.

Something hit on the line, and Duncan set the hook. He cranked the spinner, feeling the live shimmer and tug. When he had it near the surface, Duncan lifted the tip of his rod and saw his fish. A nice fat little bass. He had it for dinner with rice and beans, corn tortillas and fresh chopped salsa, with a can of tecate, still cold.

I was dancin’ with my darlin', sang Duncan, working his way through the tune on the accordion he inherited from his mother. Yes I lost my little darlin’ the night they were playin’, the beautiful Tennessee Waltz,

The beautiful Tennessee Waltz.

Clouds rolled over the starry sky, the breeze shifted off shore, and Duncan Blitz had the feeling that tomorrow was going to be a very good day.

THE BAJA DIET:

Breakfast: café con leche, maria cake cookies, huevos con chorizo, rice and beans

Snack: local green olives, cerveza modelo

Lunch: pork tamales (red chile, olive inside), sweet tamales (cinnamon, raisin inside)

Dinner: chicken roasted on the wood fire, beans, tortillas de harina, sweet corn, fresh tomatoes, chopped cilantro, chopped onions, cerveza Bohemia

Snack: nescafe

Giants crickets

Beverly Barkowitz was hooked up to an IV machine that went click, click. She started dreaming about giants crickets, and a large iguana. Too creepy, thought Bev, who woke to hospital noises that sounded like gang-bangers having a party.

Bev phoned Duncan, who tried to reassure her. Then she opened an audiobook on her iPod and slept in and out of narratives by Neil Gaiman.

Bored by day, Beverly Barkowitz rested and healed, healed and rested. She pulled a little thread from her nose.

It was a cockroach.

LOADING UP AND DRAWING DOWN

Duncan Blitz invited Beverly Barkowitz to the movies, she was from the generation that discovered Julia Child. Barkowitz loved Julie/Julia, so did Duncan. After they went to a three-course pris fixe:

He ordered:
spicy crunchy shrimp,
tiny roast chicken
banana bread pudding

She had:
rockfish spring roll
atlantic salmon, with nicoise olives cherry tomatoes and sugar snap peas
and finished with
bittersweet molten chocolate cake

the next day, Duncan went on a clear liquid diet.
ALLOWED:
water
clear broths
lemonade
tea
coffee (no cream)
popsicles

NOT ALLOWED:
milk
cream
milkshakes
orange juice
cream soups or any soup other than clear broth

Duncan was so hungry, he could eat anything. He was starving for a cookie, a fish, a salad, a peach. He could eat the tar off a driveway.

ALLOWED:
Italian Ice

Duncan had lemon.

95 degrees, 95% humidity

Duncan Blitz chopped a baby cuke with iceberg lettuce and sprinkled with wine vinegar, olive oil and salt. Reheated mac chese. Cherry tomatoes from the balcony farm. Jasmine tea with brown sugar and cream? frozen double chocolate milano cookie, cold water.
that was breakfast.
lunch: Cake Love

marash family drives up medical costs, obama declares

duncan thought he'd stop by the hospital to see my husband, who was toughing out a skin infection. He brought a care package.

Hospital Diet:
breakfast: warm coffee-colored beverage
5 packets of white sugar
formerly warm, still lumpy cereal
low fat milk
is that a pancake?
juice flavored orange juice

Duncan's Care Package:
hot espresso with half and half and sugar
warm flaky croissant with butter, choice of marmalade of blackberry jam
graham crackers with fluffy white marshmallow and dark belgium chocolate squares (aka: c-ration s'mores)

lobster roll, extra mayo
crunchy romaine salad dressed in garlicked oil and fresh lime juice, salt and pepper
bistro fries, aioli sauce
ice cold tecate, in the red can
chilled sweet red watermelon
cold thick dark-chocolate-frosted warm chewy yellow cake-love cupcake

FROM THE "A" TEAM

In the long run, darkness always wins. That's why darkness is such an arrogant bastard. And arrogant bastards disserve no quarter. Darkness disserves steady resistance and constant derision. So...Fuck You...Darkness!!

FUCKYOU DEATH

and all your friends say Fuckyoudeath, Leave my Friend Amy Alone

death wants me

to wobble towards its side.

Fuck you, Death!
Go away!

I am firm in the World!
My husband anchors me here.

my children love me
and
the world's better when
I'm in it.

DUNCAN'S 233rd BIRTHDAY

Duncan Blitz was on a tear. He rolled out a pie crust and filled it with fresh blueberries, vented his mom's way, with a foil smokestack. He made an enormous leafy salad, and a gigantic fruit salad and chilled them with the champagne.

He made 2 bowls of guacamole and chips (crushed avocado and salt, no garlic onions, other embellishments that are not guacamole), fresh salsa (tomatoes, cilantro, salt and jalapeno) garden radishes, nuts and fruits.

He put six burgers on the grill, and six dogs. He had six small lobsters, ready to steam, split and serve with drawn butter. He'd serve the baked potatoes still in their foil. His, salted with butter.

Have a beer, he said to his guests as they arrived.

Everyone was hungry, except Kiran, who had worked that day in a tv news factory.

Kiran Khalid is on the FREELANCE PRODUCER DIET, New York City.
Kiran: inhaled a slice of cheese pizza, thin crust of course (you are what you eat!) from the Original Original Ray's Pizza in Greenwich Village. Afterwards, I was tempted to verbally berate myself but happened to glance at my cameraman's bulging belly and thought better of it.

then upon learning that one of my colleagues had dropped the ball in promoting my friend Reza Aslan's upcoming appearance at an undisclosed event, I consumed a baby ruth in about three bites.

And now I'm debating whether another trip to the snack machine might help me deal with my paycheck, or lack thereof.

omg! and now my assignment editor just took up a collection to start a pb&j bar!

$1 gets you into the ingredients he's bringing

Kiran, said Duncan, you've got to get over your dislike of lifer cameramen. Champagne?

the caked and baked diet

breakfast:
ativan, zofran
peanut butter and jelly mini-sandwich
coffee with milk
coffee with condensed milk

lunch:
vicodin
baked potato with butter and salt
mini- cupcake

snack:
gatorade

tea time:
stare at pretzel, nibble
consider peppermint

walk.
sleep

beverly barkowitz

duncan's assignment editor, had colon cancer. everything she ate, was digested through her diminished system; a semi-colon.
beverly was most fond of baked potatoes; easy to digest.
beverly was totally terrified of tiny calamari; picture a tentacled obstruction.

Beverly Barkowitz is on the cancer battle diet;
pre-breakfast; toast with butter and marmalade and sliced asiago cheese. coffee with whole milk.
breakfast; lasagna. coffee flavored ensure.
lunch; pretzel sticks, oatmeal cookies, gatorade.
dinner; oysters on the half shell, veal sweetbreads, molten chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream
after dinn; coffee with condensed milk, ginger snaps
midnight snack; cream cheese and jelly on bagel. tea with milk and brown sugar.

duncan does not have cancer,

he never did.
i have cancer. i lost 25 lbs.
when's the last time you weighed 117, asked David. 9th grade?
my tumor, in its mason jar, has its own life now, its cells are examined on slides, by the pathologist.
do you miss me, tumor?

cancer diet:
pre-breakfast: hot tea, country wheat toast with butter, marmalade, brie and emmanthaler

breakfast: cafe au lait
poached egg
chinese barbecue spare ribs with duck sauce and mustard

lunch: lamb couscous,
moroccan chicken-almond pastilla
gingered iced tea

snack: chocolate ensure

dinner: butterfly shrimp sauteed in olive oil, lime dressing
tossed salad with goat cheese vinaigrette
duncan hines double chocolate fudge brownies, no nuts

late snack: french vanilla ice cream float with coffee ensure

peeps!

Duncan Blitz stopped at the post office for his mail.  Pee-pee-peee-peep peep peeee, said packages somewhere in back, awaiting pickup.   easter chicks, by mail order!  

There was still time to find riding buddies for Sunday, and invite them back for supper.

duncan's renewal dinner:

shrimp cocktail

steamed artichoke with egg-lemon sauce

white bordeaux

grilled baby lamb chops studded with garlic

baked potato with butter and salt

leafy salad 

red shiraz

tyrannie of cheese platter

mousse au chocolate bunny

marshmallow peeps

cognac

DUNCAN IS ON THE GUMMY BEARS DIET

candy is comfort, yummy and sweet 

link to: all's well in candy land

2AM, and Duncan was prowling around his home.  He checked on the kids, put on his barn coat, and went out with his big dog Wylie to look at the sky.   

 

The Big Dipper was straight up.   Orion gives way to Scorpius,  here comes spring.  Goodbye winter, so long Milky Way.  We'll wait till we see a shooting star,  thought Duncan.    

A green meteor silently fired across the corral.  Duncan went in, and threw some logs on the woodstove.

THE GUMMY BEARS DIET:

morning coffee:  cafe au lait with Twix.  

breakfast:  cocoa puffs

lunch: deep-fried Snickers

happy hour:  gummy worms, 2 margaritas

dinner:  Pez, chocolate cake.  candied ginger.

night snack:  Milky Way

no guts

oww, wow-wow, pain in the gas.
i gotta break a big wind.
it's okay, says my husband. i lived in new jersey.

DIGESTIVE DISTRESS DIET:
breakfast: poached egg, toast, goat cheese, cafe au lait
lunch: no
dinner: romaine salad, fried rice, from take-out container, middle shelf of fridge
dessert: chocolate ice cream, melty, in milk, with sliced banana.

palette poverty

i'm waiting to taste food, to know whether i'm hungry and when I'm full. i eat random food i don't enjoy, the food i cook tastes like crap, and i end up with the feeling i've swallowed a large purse.

amy is on the try it diet:
breakfast: tea, toast w jam, sugar smacks w 1% organic milk, half and half optional
snack: taramasalata with warm pita
lunch: grilled sausage with chopped onion, relish, dijon mustard
tea time: espresso with splenda
snack: danactive
dinner: pasta, fruit salad
after dinner mint: prune juice